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Date: 2016-04-03 02:25 am (UTC)Sorry, dude! Sorry. Wow, is it just because of the Hermann thing or are you Demi or Ace? Because I mean, regardless, I can totally shut it if sex is a trigger issue or something. Should I have known that was a no-no? I feel like I should have know, like we've had this discussion. Wow, uh, sorry.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-03 02:29 am (UTC)Uh, what's a Demi? You mean like jeans? Or is this something to do with playing cards????
I guess we kind of have had discussions like this, you saying it's okay if I'm not into sex or not and it being fine if I don't want it now or ever. I'm never quite sure what to say.
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Date: 2016-04-03 02:50 am (UTC)Demisexual. Someone who only experiences sexual attraction after forming a strong bond.
Asexual. Someone who does not experience sexual attraction.
I'm pansexual. Someone who experiences sexual attraction regardless of the other person's gender.
Sexuality is fluid; it is not a fixed point. It can change. Society conditions us to think one thing--that everyone has sex and it is the most important thing in a romantic relationship, but it's really not. It's not. I'd give up sex forever to be really ...close to someone. I guess. It sounds dumb.
So, yes. Sex is never something you have to have or do. If you don't want it, I respect that. Don't do it just to 'fit in.'
no subject
Date: 2016-04-03 03:06 am (UTC)[There's a long pause before the rest of the message comes in:]
I never knew. That's
Growing up in a small town in Mexico, we're pretty religious. There's a lot of rules and expectations, so I always expected I would wait until I was married until I... was intimate with anyone. And I expected it would be a woman, and she would be my wife, and we'd be happy and
Since coming here, things have been different. I've come to realize a lot of things, but I'm still confused about a lot of it. I didn't realize I could come to like men like I like Hermann, or that it was okay to like that. Or that intercourse outside of marriage was as okay with so many people as it seems.
But now that you mention all those words and things, maybe it's just that I don't want to. Have sex, that is. But isn't that weird? Or does it mean I'm broken or something? Shouldn't I want to have sex if I want to have kids someday? Isn't that how people are built? To want to have sex and have kids?
And what about love? Does that mean I should want to have sex with someone if I actually love them? But I don't want to have sex with Hermann or Maria unless I'm married to them because I thought that was right, but maybe I'm
I thought I loved
I mean
[Uh oh, someone's having an emotional breakdown right about now.]
oops it got long
Date: 2016-04-03 10:42 pm (UTC)You DO love.
Even if that statement was going to end in "Hermann," I am willing to say here that if you think you feel it, your probably do.
BREATHE.
Sex≠Love. Love≠Sex. (≠ is "does not equal" if you're not mathematically inclined)
I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the comment about your looks and waiting. That was wrong, loads wrong, and should have never been said and I am such a stupid fuck.
There's too much emphasis on sex in our culture...too much concern with who is doing what with whom, how, when, shame and repression, and it's none of society's business. Sex is not what a relationship culminates to...or not what it HAS to culminate to.
I understand this is all a lot to take in, with the time skip and the culture shock and everything. But it's not weird to not want sex. Plenty of people don't, for various reasons, and you're not broken. The interest just flat out isn't there? That's fine.
People have libidos, but it's not a yes/no. Our individual baselines are a range. We all have different levels of drive and some of us have a lot, and some have very little. Some, like you, may have none at all or may have so little of a drive you only feel it on very very rare occasions. I don't know, but I personally might have a lower drive than most guys my age; hey, just means I have more attention to spare on other things, right?
The desire to have children and the desire to have sex do not directly correlate. The ACT of sex may correlate to/produce children, but people who desire sex do not all desire children. Does that make sense? Wanting to cook does not necessitate that you want to eat. Wanting to eat does not necessarily mean you want to cook. I want sex; I do not want children.
Sex≠Love. Love≠Sex. Don't confuse lust and love. You can feel both for someone, or just one, or neither, but lust is what drives sexual desire and love is that warm fuzzy feeling and wanting to be near someone.
I don't study humans, Joaquin; I don't even study primates. But humans are apes and apes characteristically are social creatures. They form families. They groom each other. They hang out and eat together. What I'm trying to say here is... Love is a bond. Love is forming families. It is not "mating." Family is not necessarily "having kids and being married," either. It's belonging. It's living with someone, socializing, sharing an intimacy that's bigger than just breeding.
If you don't want to have sex with someone, you still can love them and can still be loved in return. They can want to have sex with you, and that's okay. And you can NOT want to have sex with them, and that's also okay. You'd both find a compromise. Maybe you won't ever have sex--trust me, they'll be FINE if they don't get any (don't let them tell you otherwise). Maybe you'd have sex but only to when actively attempting to have kids. Maybe you'd be comfortable watching them masturbate, or you'd be okay having sex occasionally. There's no one answer. It's about finding an arrangement that works for you and your individual partner.
If anyone tries to pressure you to have sex with them to prove you love them, they're an asshole, and they're either misguided (thank you, society) or they don't love you. If you don't want to have sex, that is your RIGHT. Your body is not there to please other people and sex is not the highest demonstration of love.
You're going to have to talk to the people you love to tell them how you feel, because society unfortunately defaults to "sex is assumed in relationships." But talking is a good thing, a healthy thing for relationships, right? So talk it out. It might take some time and some repeat conversations, but you'll make it work.
1/2 So very newt lol
Date: 2016-04-04 01:47 am (UTC)WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DO THIS WHY DO YOU CARE ABOUT ME ENOUGH TO TRY TO REASSURE ME I DON'T UNDERSTAND
2/2
Date: 2016-04-04 01:48 am (UTC)I'm
Still not sure what I am. Maybe I am asexual like you said. I never thought of things in those terms before. I need to think about it.
I don't want to be different from other people. I... Have a bad habit. I have a hard time saying no when I have the eyes of others on me. It usually makes being a hero easy, but then I don't tend to feel allowed to make decisions for myself that often. I don't think I've ever had an original thought in my life.
I don't like this. I don't like being different like this. It would be easier to just do what's expected of me, but I've been trying to think more for myself lately. It's a lot harder than you'd think, when you're used to just following orders like a good soldier.
I'm confused. I want to go home. I want to be loved for who I am. I'm scared of people wanting things from me I can't give them, because I'll give it to them whether I want to or not. Because it's easier to just let them tell me what to do. And it would be easier if I was home so I wouldn't have to think of all this in the first place or question anything.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-08 06:34 am (UTC)And he doesn't know their whole relationship, obviously, but here's another friend who, on 'first' meeting, Newt screws up and almost loses and here's someone who he's finding he shares an intimacy with he's not...sure he's really had with anyone.
Hermann, maybe, though the dynamic is different.
It's a weirdly life-changing revelation.]
You don't have to know what you are now. Take your time.
...Easy, yeah.
It's really hard to have choices. It's hard to be different. It sucks. It's okay to feel like you don't WANT that burden.
I get that, even if I do tend to have the opposite issue: I have trouble saying yes--I have trouble conforming or being anything BUT defiant of authority/rules/someone else making the call. Even if the choice they've made for me is the best one, I have trouble agreeing to it if SOMEONE ELSE made it. My job is the question, and skepticism might be all I know sometimes.
It's not easy going it alone, forging your own path. Trust me. It's always so much easier to let someone else take the reigns from you, but you know what the problem with that is? They're taking it from you. They're taking a part of you away from you, and you're just surrendering it--you're not giving it, you're just letting it go. It's like you're sitting on a bench and people encroach upon your space...you keep moving and moving to accomodate THEIR needs and pretty soon you have no room for yours.
Do you really want to go home? Do you think you'll be loved for who you are there? Because it sounds like there the people want things from you that you don't want to give them, and do you really want that choice taken from you? Do you want to have to play a role, be someone you're not, to lose pieces of yourself to a role you're "supposed" to play out of tradition or social norms?
I'm not saying there aren't people here who will try to get you to give up parts of yourself, but here, you don't have a history. You don't really have a role. You can find yourself, feel out who you are, and take up the space on the bench you want to take up... Be you. Occupy your space. Everyone is different. Don't start shaving pieces off your puzzle piece just to fit into a spot you on the picture. You'll find your niche and you won't have to forfeit parts of yourself to occupy it.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-08 07:07 am (UTC)Everything else, though... I don't know. Aren't social norms in place to help keep a society stable? Is there something wrong with wanting to be normal and trying to be normal? For the sake of yourself as well as everyone else.
It's always been said that the benefits of the many outweigh those of the few; that's why soldiers put their lives on the line. It's why I'm a solider willing to die to protect my village. That how life has always been.
Back home nothing about this seemed difficult. I was happy with my place. Sure, my best friend is dead back home and my other best friend loved him more than she loved me, but she did love me. She did. Things weren't hard back there when it came to this at least. I could endure it, if only through my ignorance.
[It sure was blissful to be so free of these thoughts.]