driftsintobuffetline

[Hey, Newt should be happy he'd get to ride the motorcycle at all!]

Possible, but not likely. And even if she does say it kindly, I worry that Manolo won't be able to look at me the same way again. It was a mistake, but one I very nearly made.

[He shrugs.] The punch itself isn't going to hurt. It's the intent behind it.

[He should be, but he's a difficult person.

Out on the street, he led the way down the sidewalk towards a nearby park, just a couple of blocks away.]

Yeah, the intent might hurt. It sucks. You screwed up. Badly. You should have taken a stand, for yourself and for Maria's sake, you should have said it was fucked up and no, you wouldn't do it. Have you considered just TELLING Manolo this, so he doesn't have to find it out? Because frankly, I hate finding things out at the wrong time and I prefer to have someone own up to their shitiness and talk to me themselves. It might help your case. And even if it doesn't, you can save Maria from telling him--because wow, can you even imagine having to tell the man you love that you almost did that, even for the right reasons?

You did wrong by her back then, so do right by her now. If you really love this girl--if you love them both, really--just tell him yourself.

[The park here is nice. A lot of winding walk ways and benches to sit at. He wonders if maybe Hermann comes by with Newt and they take a nice stroll now and then. It paints a nice picture in his mind that makes him wistful.]

... But do you think that's be enough? I mean, he might not believe I'm really sorry. He knows I wanted to marry her, so why would he accept that I'd actually changed my mind? In such a short amount of time...

I always figured it would come out sometime. But I'm just afraid, if it does come out would that mean he won't ever want to be my friend again?

[He didn't deserve a friend like Manolo in the first place.]

[It was a very nice park and he and Hermann had enjoyed a few lunches here. Sometimes it was just nice to go outside and breathe fresh air. Newt felt like he hadn't seen the outside world much at all lately, before arriving in this world.]

At this point, dude, I don't think you can worry if it's enough or isn't. Stop trying to damage control for yourself and worry about doing what's right for them. Because it's the damage control that appears disingenuous; you're right, he knows you wanted to marry her, he probably knows you might have tried to eventually. So do you really want to do this to Manolo and Maria, drag out the reveal, wait for the bomb to drop? Because this is going to hurt them, too, and possibly their relationship, and the longer you wait, the worse it could be for them.

No, you're right. [Joaquin couldn't argue. There was no argument with that. It was going to be hard, he wouldn't be able to do it immediately but...]

I'll have to do it sometime soon. I don't know if I'm brave enough to do it today or tomorrow but... soon.

[He reaches up and rubs at his face, clearly unhappy about the prospect but there wasn't anything else he could do.]

.... He probably won't want to talk to me ever again, but it would be better if that happened then if it hurt both of them. [Joaquin and Manolo's relationship... that would just be acceptable collateral damage.]

Look at it this way: You didn't actually marry her. So there's that.

And you never know. I mean, he might be pretty pissed at you for this, but [He tries his best to not say too much here, honestly.] I think he loves you more than you give him credit for.

Talk to him. Tell him whatever happened, tell him you're sorry, and then let him figure out where to go from there. ...Changing how he sees you may not be a bad thing? Relationships...mature, right? They evolve over time. They hit rough patches, people change how they see each other, but sometimes weathering a storm of your own making together actually makes your relationship stronger.

Yeah but... [He did want to. He still... wants to. He loves her, but she doesn't love him. Not in the same way she loves Manolo.]

Maybe. I'll try to go about it gently. I don't want him to hate me, but I'll be prepared for it.

[He nods, knowing that sometimes it isn't a bad thing to argue. It just sucks when you do. And he has already fought pretty badly with Manolo, though it was his own stubborn anger and pride that caused that. Now, he just wanted things to get better sooner!]

... Thanks. I think I needed to hear that. Heh, I'm sorry, it seems like I end up talking to you about my problems so often lately. You're probably tired of hearing about my drama.

Eh? [He kicks a pebble down the path] Nah, dude. Takes away from thinking about myself, makes me put others first, which I think Hermann would say is a good thing and not something I do enough.

So if I helped, glad to. And if you needed a sounding board or something...well, I'm happy to be of service. I want to help. [He has friends. It was still amazing.]

[He punches Joaquin in the arm gently, grinning up at him.] How's life-coaching? Seems to me you're probably hearing a lot of OTHER people's problems, so you gotta unload your own somewhere, right?

I dunno, you always seem willing to lend an ear. Maybe it's just that I'm always the one complaining about things and you're always the one giving advice. [He chuckles a little.]

Eh, coaching people isn't too difficult. I chose to focus on helping others that want to manage their time so they can work out and get fit; I generally deal with college students, too, because the bosses think it would be best if I addressed people my own age. [He shrugs.] It's nothing all that difficult, and if something serious comes up I'm suppose to refer them to a real psychologist. But... yeah, unloading sometimes is nice. And I can't just do it with Manolo so easily. He and I think... too differently.

What about you, though? Don't you ever need to get things off your chest?

[He is relieved to hear work, at least, is going well for Joaquin.]

My problems aren't problems. They're like lame-ass First World problems, like what am I going to order at Dunkin' today and do we want to buy 'fresh linen' scent or 'spring river' scent of detergent. It's all very domestic.

[He shoves his hands in his pockets]

Which is weird, because I never imagined myself with that lifestyle, you know? I wanted to be a cool scientist, like an Ian Malcolm, rockstarish and popular, with a girl in every port kind of thing, and here I am, ass over teakettle over the dweeb in tweed I've been sharing my lab with and...

[He shrugs. Joaquin doesn't want to hear about Hermann, not considering...everything. It seems unkind to unload about his own insecurities in a relationship that Joaquin is envious of.]

There's nothing wrong with that. [In fact that sounded like a blessing. Not having any problems outside of what you're going to eat that night or buy from the store... Nice.]

Well, I'm glad to hear things are going good. I know I... kind of made an ass of myself before, but I am glad for you and Hermann both. You seem to really... understand each other. It's not something I'm used to seeing.

[He reaches over and claps a hang on Newt's shoulder.] But you know, if you guys did have any problems you were bottling up, you could tell me right? I don't mind listening. [But then heat rushes to his face and he backtracks a bit.] I mean, as long as it isn't of an... overly intimate nature. I have no advice concerning that whatsoever.

[Newt glances up at him, frowns, not at the hand but at the thought of the discussion just the other day with Manolo. Does Joaquin even like ice cream?

He doesn't mean to divulge too much, but once he starts talking, it just...goes.

He laughs.] Don't worry, we're fine there. Or I am. ...I mean, I think it's good. He's got a bit more of a ...history than I do, I guess? Not that this means anything at all! I just. I realize I'm annoying. I know I'm not what he's really [shrugs, gives Joaquin a once over. yep, no, still not that] into and I guess, you know, sometimes...

I wonder sometimes if I'm easy--like, I not EASY, I know I'm easy--but convenient for him in my inconvenience. Just...there. In his brain. The only option. You know, before you, I sort of tried to get him to go on a date with a guy--Steve Rogers. Hot, blond, big like you, saved our asses once. And Hermann said, he's actually said it a couple of times...he goes "Newton, have you considered just how difficult it would be for either of us to successfully date anyone?"

And yeah. Yeah, I have. [He shakes his head, giving a small snort] Can you imagine dating someone else while he and I [he glances around, lowers his voice] drift?

[Joaquin's face twists in puzzlement.]

... You think looks matter that much? But I can see what you mean about the brain thing, it's... [He shrugs.] Not that I know how that really works but it would probably make things difficult. Dating other people.

I don't think it's easy for him. You both seem to work, but I mean, if it was easy, convenient, then I think he'd be having more second thoughts about things. Do you think he's having second thoughts?

...Yeah, I think he is. I mean, I've asked him to marry me, and he keeps telling me to wait. He thinks engagement is a risk, that we're moving too fast, that we'll fall apart, and--

[DEEP BREATH]

--I'm the only option he's got, you know? It's me or be with someone else with me as the third wheel EVERYWHERE he fucking goes, in his head, and so, yeah, I AM convenient. It's easier to date me and just deal with me than to date someone else and have me tag along. I threw myself at him and he's settled, instead of chasing what he really wants.

Oh, so, you did ask him to marry you! [He chuckles and gives Newt a playful punch on the shoulder.] And you were acting like you really didn't care about marriage.

I don't think you can honestly claim he really wants something else. Unless he's told you he wants something else?

... Have you asked? Cause I don't believe it.

[He stumbles a little, frown-pouts and rubs his shoulder] Yeah, thanks, but now I care TOO much about it.

Why would I ask if he wanted something else? I know better than to set myself up for that, or to force him to lie to me. And I'd rather just keep being IT until he gets tired and [shrug, handwave] ...I hope it just dies, turns into two people living together without the resentment or disappointment. I just want...THIS. I want to just--

[He exhales sadly and his next inhale wavers, like he's on the edge of crying, but his outburst ends up angry and hurt]

Why am I a fucking risk? He knows me! If he doesn't know this can work NOW, he's NEVER going to know! It could fall apart at any time, that's just how these things work! It's not assured! It's a gamble! Even when people have NEVER fought, it's a risk! ...Why can't he just gamble on me. ...On us.

[He startles a little at that outburst. Was Newt seriously going to cry? Damn, Joaquin was bad at comfort. But he reached over anyway and rested his hand lightly on the should he just punched.]

Hey... Hey, now, don't go giving yourself too much credit. Hermann doesn't seem like the kind of guy to do things half-heartedly, or without some serious contemplation. Maybe the time isn't about you, it's about him. And hey, you were hesitant too when I first brought up engagements. Let him have his time. That's all that he really wants; some extra time.

[Shrug.] And if you need some further proof he isn't thinking of you as just convenience, we could run a test.

[His first impulse is to shrug off the hand, but instead he stands there and accepts it.

Time, yeah. But time is hard. Newt is impatient. He feels like he has waited his entire life to meet someone like Hermann, someone with whom he feels a kinship and friendship...and when they fell apart, it was like losing a part of himself. Now their friends, they're in love (or Newt is), and they've promised a future together... and he wants to have that. He wants it to start now. He's tired of waiting--to have same-age friends, to be loved, to be someone's something important (their BEST Friend)--and he wants Hermann to be just as impatient, just as eager, to want just as badly...with him.

He knows Hermann wants someone, wants the love and stability as he gets older, but...Newt specifically? And now?

He yanks off his glasses and cleans them on his shirt, tries to hide a sniffle as he puts the glasses back on, then side-eyes Joaquin. Skeptically:] A test?

Yeah, a test. [Joaquin let go so he could take a few steps ahead of Newton, his hands held palm-up in an exaggerated shrug.]

You seem to think he might have a thing for me. If that's the case, if he isn't devoted to seeing this out with you, don't you think he's drop you in a heartbeat if I were to ask him to date me instead? Not that I'll be serious but he doesn't have to know that. And I'm sure he'll turn me down and you should find yourself satisfied that he's not going to just leave you high and dry at the moment you become inconvenient.

[Joaquin turned back, offering a smile.]

Of course, if you're scared then maybe you do need time to learn to put some trust in Hermann.

[Glare.] I'm not scared.

[But he is. And he isn't entirely sure Hermann will be bold enough to take an offer even if it presents itself, and instead just be dissatisfied with Newt, but... It couldn't hurt, right? Hermann had already decided Joaquin was too young to do anything too serious with, so even if he DOES enjoy the date, he won't make too much of a pass at their friend. And Joaquin isn't serious about it anyway...right?

...Well, he WAS pretty interested in Hermann.

But. He wouldn't.] Fine. You have my permission, or whatever, to ask Hermann on a date. [But what if Hermann did want him?] But I swear, if he's interested and you break his heart, I'm going to break you.

Are you suuuuure?

[Joaquin rolls his eyes and heads closer, reaching up to give Newton a shake of his shoulders.]

Don't. Worry. I'm not a jackass, as we've both discussed before. I'm sure nothing will come of it. But how about we head back and give this test a go?

Now? [His voice squeaks.]

Uhh, yeah, sure! Now is fine. Now is great. Stellar. I can do now. [He'll just mentally prepare himself on the walk back, okay, yes. Okay. Can do this. Just...will walk slowly.]

[He raises his eyebrows.]

.... Or we can not and you can keep wondering and fretting into eternity.

[But yeah, starting on the walk back...]

[Can he ever really be reassured, though?]

...No, no we can do this. I can do this. Come on.

Alright.

[The walk back is quiet. Really quiet considering he was with Newton Geiszler, but Joaquin let him internalize things as he needed. It couldn't be easy on him.

When they got to the apartment and got back on the elevator Joaquin gave him another chance out.]

You know, we don't have to do this but I still say it's a good idea...

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