Newton "Newt" Geiszler (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
driftsintobuffetline) wrote2035-01-01 12:26 pm
driftsintobuffetline) wrote2035-01-01 12:26 pm
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If it was PTSD, that's one thing. My dad, I just don't remember much, but I know the stories. Mom... It wasn't the PTSD that drove her away. She was pretty stout up until he was gone, and then she just feel apart. I don't know. She visits on occasion but she's not THERE anymore.
I still don't know what to do. I get scared I'll hurt someone sometimes. It doesn't come out often, I'm a pretty amiable guy. But I did almost
No. I don't know.
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You almost what?
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I
You know what, when dad was still alive he cut off a man's hand in a fit of rage. That man was the General that took me under his wing after I proved I wanted to become a good soldier. Almost every day I heard him talk about my father, and every time he still claimed my father was like a brother to him. His best friend.
He even had a portrait of my father in his den.
I don't want to become that to Manolo.
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What did your dad do after? How did he live his life after doing that to a friend?
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I don't know. Dad died when I was seven. I hardly remember it now. He was gone soldiering more and more those last few years, then one day he was sent home in the back of a wagon. Then my mother left before I had even turned eight. Abuela didn't talk much about him either, and she was sad so I don't really blame her but
I've basically lived on my own since I've been ten, Newt. My family has never been good with dealing with emotion. We just destroy things or ourselves in whatever way we can.
... I haven't had a smoke since I talked with Manolo, though.
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Fortune favors the brave. It takes bravery to keep going when shit goes down. Hell, on your own since you were ten! I think I jumped off our roof trying to fly when I was ten.
In any case. Joaquin, you're not locked into it just because dad did it and mom did it. You don't have to continue that legacy. Look: your family can give you any number of genetic traits. The ability to grow facial hair, for one. Cool. You can kick back, go natural and grow a lumberjack beard, trim and do your thing with a mustache, or a goatee...or shave it all off. Just because your genetic makeup means that facial hair is gonna grow in whether you want it to or not? Doesn't mean you can't decide how to work with what you're given. Just means it takes more work, constant work, if you don't want to resign to your body's default. Lots of grooming, lots of shaving, plenty of self-awareness.
You're your own person, you have different options. Many people live with mental illness and personality disorders--and never hurt their friends like your dad did. Maybe it's not easy, maybe you just have to work a little harder at it than the average person. Sometimes you have to ask for help or see a doctor. But hey, being brave isn't easy. But it is doable.
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It doesn't really feel brave when necessity pushes you to handle stuff alone.
Your analogies are always ridiculous! But I get what you mean though.
I wish I could be only as faithful in others as you seem to be. I can't afford to give up trying to stay in control. But I don't feel like I have the option of staying in control of it or not. There's only two names I've heard about when it comes to talking about this and both of them I've been told are not reliable. What am I supposed to do about it?