driftsintobuffetline

I would never say you were the Manolo in a relationship. [Is that a compliment or a jab? WHO KNOWS!]

I see what you mean. And... yeah, he is. Too much. He trusts too easily and is much too nice. But I'm glad to have him and keep him as my friend as long as he's willing to deal with me.

How does that not

[There's a moment where the little swirling icon to indicate typing stills. For a long, long moment. Finally, it continues with the finishing of the final message:]

Doesn't it scare you?

Well, you know what I mean. There's no 1:1 ratio here. I'm neither the Joaquin nor the Manolo; I'm the Newt to his Hermann. But the point stands.

Yeah. But now thàt I've had a bond like that, it scares me more to imagine life without it. Don't get me started. I could wax poetic about this friendship all day and you really don't want to sit there and read me spewing gross lonely-hearts-nerd sentimental bullshit all over about how important Hermann is to me and how he's such a fucking presence in my life.

So I'll spare us both the first-/second-hand embarrassment and just. Stop typing.

Yeah, makes sense.

It is a little embarrassing, but. Maybe I'm a little envious, after all. I'm

I'm good with people, but I'm not good with PEOPLE. It would be nice to feel like at least one person could accept everything about me, but then again, it would also be pretty horrifying. It's complicated.

nah, I get it. I do. Superficially good with people, but when it comes to really...understanding another human being--their thoughts, their emotions, through good and bad--it is a whole other story.

Why's it so damn horrifying though? I mean, beyond the complications and hangups we all have about it?

Yeah. It can be easy to handle people in general, if they're in a crowd or acquaintances. They closer they get, the harder it is to handle them.

I dunno. Maybe I just

I'm

... Have your own thoughts ever made you question your sanity, Newt?

Ha! I haven't told you yet WHY Hermann and I mindshare, have I. That would answer that question right away--or it wouldn't. You'd question my sanity, but still not know if I questioned it myself.

Okay, so yes and no. Yes, daily, but I also have the reassurance that I'm certifiable (from a genuine diagnosis--just don't with Chilton and Crane, ok?). So at least I've got that. I don't have to question my sanity because I know it's abnormal.

And I'm telling you that knowing it's possible you're judging me now, or reconsidering this discussion. That's cool.

Neurotypical minds are overrated anyway, and probably a lot fewer than we realize--so then what IS typical...not the point.

Point is, yeah. Yeah I do. Why?

Oh.

Hermann mentioned them before, told me not to get involved with them either, so I'll take your word for it.

No, I won't judge. I mean, some people are... neruotypical and some aren't, like you said. But yeah I mean I

It's kind of hard to talk about but I worry I might have something wrong with my mind, sometimes. I wouldn't know if it's true or just me worrying. But some moments just blank out and usually it's when I'm highly emotional. I would be afraid if something like that would translate weird in a mind-share situation like the one you and Hermann share.

But I don't know if I do have anything like that, like I said. But evidence says it's very possible I do.

Rage? Depression? What kind of highly emotional state? There's a lot of things something like that could be. I'm no doctor...not THAT kind anyway. But unless you plan to mind share, I wouldn't worry how it might translate. And in a normal relationship, in a close bond, it's a matter of acceptance from your Other. Be up front. Tell them what they can do to help you in that situation. People are less likely to be afraid when informed and when they have an action plan. Like, what helps you?

Rage, usually. I don't get angry often, I really don't, but sometimes... I'm worried it's genetic. Before dad died he had the same issues, but most people thought it was PTSD. But then after he died, mom went crazy too and had a whole manner of fits before she up and left me in San Angel and

God I don't even know.

I guess I don't really have to worry about the mind share thing, no, but you asked why I would be so afraid of it. That's why.

I... don't know what helps. I don't know if I can be helped.

Hey. I don't say this to scare you: it could be genetic. That doesn't mean you're a lost cause. It means you know and can seek the help they didn't. Or maybe your mom was just under a lot of stress and couldn't deal with your dad's PTSD. It's shitty, believe me, my mom wasn't around either, but you're not doomed to be her. Or your dad.

Fuck, I think you're only a lost cause when you want to be. Crane is a lost cause. He's malicious and likes that. You can be helped.

I don't know. I mean...

If it was PTSD, that's one thing. My dad, I just don't remember much, but I know the stories. Mom... It wasn't the PTSD that drove her away. She was pretty stout up until he was gone, and then she just feel apart. I don't know. She visits on occasion but she's not THERE anymore.

I still don't know what to do. I get scared I'll hurt someone sometimes. It doesn't come out often, I'm a pretty amiable guy. But I did almost

No. I don't know.

People get weird after someone dies, sometimes. Maybe shes just terrible at coping. You're not her and you didn't make her that way.

You almost what?

It's been twelve years. If she can't cope by now, I don't think she ever will.

I

You know what, when dad was still alive he cut off a man's hand in a fit of rage. That man was the General that took me under his wing after I proved I wanted to become a good soldier. Almost every day I heard him talk about my father, and every time he still claimed my father was like a brother to him. His best friend.

He even had a portrait of my father in his den.

I don't want to become that to Manolo.

People do shitty things when mad. You said some mean stuff to Manolo, iirc. In a fit of hubris, I told Hermann it was his fault if I died carrying out an idea that almost did kill me.

What did your dad do after? How did he live his life after doing that to a friend?

That is pretty mean, yeah. I'll agree with that.

I don't know. Dad died when I was seven. I hardly remember it now. He was gone soldiering more and more those last few years, then one day he was sent home in the back of a wagon. Then my mother left before I had even turned eight. Abuela didn't talk much about him either, and she was sad so I don't really blame her but

I've basically lived on my own since I've been ten, Newt. My family has never been good with dealing with emotion. We just destroy things or ourselves in whatever way we can.

... I haven't had a smoke since I talked with Manolo, though.

Look at it this way: not smoking = choosing to live longer = choosing to have a longer life with your BFF Manolo = being happy = not continuing the legacy your dad and mom started

Fortune favors the brave. It takes bravery to keep going when shit goes down. Hell, on your own since you were ten! I think I jumped off our roof trying to fly when I was ten.

In any case. Joaquin, you're not locked into it just because dad did it and mom did it. You don't have to continue that legacy. Look: your family can give you any number of genetic traits. The ability to grow facial hair, for one. Cool. You can kick back, go natural and grow a lumberjack beard, trim and do your thing with a mustache, or a goatee...or shave it all off. Just because your genetic makeup means that facial hair is gonna grow in whether you want it to or not? Doesn't mean you can't decide how to work with what you're given. Just means it takes more work, constant work, if you don't want to resign to your body's default. Lots of grooming, lots of shaving, plenty of self-awareness.

You're your own person, you have different options. Many people live with mental illness and personality disorders--and never hurt their friends like your dad did. Maybe it's not easy, maybe you just have to work a little harder at it than the average person. Sometimes you have to ask for help or see a doctor. But hey, being brave isn't easy. But it is doable.

Edited 2015-12-11 08:08 (UTC)

Newt, I'm not going to stop smoking. I enjoy it sometimes and I need it sometimes and I'm pretty sure it's not going to kill me, if only because of the nanites. But I smoke more when I'm stressed and since I talked with Manolo I have felt. Better.

It doesn't really feel brave when necessity pushes you to handle stuff alone.

Your analogies are always ridiculous! But I get what you mean though.

I wish I could be only as faithful in others as you seem to be. I can't afford to give up trying to stay in control. But I don't feel like I have the option of staying in control of it or not. There's only two names I've heard about when it comes to talking about this and both of them I've been told are not reliable. What am I supposed to do about it?

ic contact

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject