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Comments

2/2

[medalsome]

[The rest comes after a large amount of typing, as if he was really thinking about what to say.]

I'm

Still not sure what I am. Maybe I am asexual like you said. I never thought of things in those terms before. I need to think about it.

I don't want to be different from other people. I... Have a bad habit. I have a hard time saying no when I have the eyes of others on me. It usually makes being a hero easy, but then I don't tend to feel allowed to make decisions for myself that often. I don't think I've ever had an original thought in my life.

I don't like this. I don't like being different like this. It would be easier to just do what's expected of me, but I've been trying to think more for myself lately. It's a lot harder than you'd think, when you're used to just following orders like a good soldier.

I'm confused. I want to go home. I want to be loved for who I am. I'm scared of people wanting things from me I can't give them, because I'll give it to them whether I want to or not. Because it's easier to just let them tell me what to do. And it would be easier if I was home so I wouldn't have to think of all this in the first place or question anything.

[driftsintobuffetline]

[The first comment has Newt actually staring at his phone, confused, (touched?) and now you have him reevaluating himself, Joaquin. Not just 'why' does he, but just that he does, apparently, enough that it's something Joaquin calls 'always' and that Newt's apparently comfortable enough doing 'always' and...he never thought of himself as THAT kind of person. And here he's done it without memory, even, to support his reasoning.

And he doesn't know their whole relationship, obviously, but here's another friend who, on 'first' meeting, Newt screws up and almost loses and here's someone who he's finding he shares an intimacy with he's not...sure he's really had with anyone.

Hermann, maybe, though the dynamic is different.

It's a weirdly life-changing revelation.]



You don't have to know what you are now. Take your time.

...Easy, yeah.

It's really hard to have choices. It's hard to be different. It sucks. It's okay to feel like you don't WANT that burden.

I get that, even if I do tend to have the opposite issue: I have trouble saying yes--I have trouble conforming or being anything BUT defiant of authority/rules/someone else making the call. Even if the choice they've made for me is the best one, I have trouble agreeing to it if SOMEONE ELSE made it. My job is the question, and skepticism might be all I know sometimes.

It's not easy going it alone, forging your own path. Trust me. It's always so much easier to let someone else take the reigns from you, but you know what the problem with that is? They're taking it from you. They're taking a part of you away from you, and you're just surrendering it--you're not giving it, you're just letting it go. It's like you're sitting on a bench and people encroach upon your space...you keep moving and moving to accomodate THEIR needs and pretty soon you have no room for yours.

Do you really want to go home? Do you think you'll be loved for who you are there? Because it sounds like there the people want things from you that you don't want to give them, and do you really want that choice taken from you? Do you want to have to play a role, be someone you're not, to lose pieces of yourself to a role you're "supposed" to play out of tradition or social norms?

I'm not saying there aren't people here who will try to get you to give up parts of yourself, but here, you don't have a history. You don't really have a role. You can find yourself, feel out who you are, and take up the space on the bench you want to take up... Be you. Occupy your space. Everyone is different. Don't start shaving pieces off your puzzle piece just to fit into a spot you on the picture. You'll find your niche and you won't have to forfeit parts of yourself to occupy it.

[medalsome]

I'll think about it.

Everything else, though... I don't know. Aren't social norms in place to help keep a society stable? Is there something wrong with wanting to be normal and trying to be normal? For the sake of yourself as well as everyone else.

It's always been said that the benefits of the many outweigh those of the few; that's why soldiers put their lives on the line. It's why I'm a solider willing to die to protect my village. That how life has always been.

Back home nothing about this seemed difficult. I was happy with my place. Sure, my best friend is dead back home and my other best friend loved him more than she loved me, but she did love me. She did. Things weren't hard back there when it came to this at least. I could endure it, if only through my ignorance.

[It sure was blissful to be so free of these thoughts.]